As I sit here tonight, reflecting even more about the recent transpiring events of finding an apartment, getting an interview on Monday at Hastings, and further making connections, I can’t help but feel like there is a giant cosmic plan being played out. One I can almost glimpse, but not quite. Think V for Vendetta, where, seemingly unrelated events are all connected into a much larger and deeper plot that spins and revolves and is so much bigger than just one person. That is exactly how I feel. It is the manner that things are playing, that everyday, there is the subtle expectancy of great things that continues to grow deep down within me. I feel something is in motion that is bigger than just me and those around me, yet, at the same time, everything is connected in ways that we cannot see.
I continue to wrestle with finding a faith community to plug into and share my giftings, experience, and knowledge. Not only that the community and body would be edified and encouraged, but that I would be grown as well by being immersed and surrounded by their gifting, experiences, and knowledge. For I realized long ago, that everything is not about me. I actually just had a conversation with a friend today about how when I call myself a Christian, I am saying that my life is not my own. I gave my life away to gain something better. I do not live as I wish to live, but I live as the one I follow, trust, and surrender to wishes, leads, and directs me to live. For instance, I think there is nothing wrong with having the occasional alcoholic drink, all in moderation of course, yet I have the personal conviction that I should not partake, no matter what. Too what end? I do not know, but I trust in the one that is greater than me. I trust in the one that saw through shame, mockery, flogging, and crucifixion to see my lost and tainted self/spirit/soul, died and rose again, that I might have a chance to live and experience life to the fullest. Talk about living life for more than yourself. That is an ultimate example of selflessness. May I never forget it.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Life...a terrifying mess of beauty
I’m currently in the middle of my third week in Norman, Oklahoma. Still staying with my friends Molly and Jimmy. They’ve been amazing and very supportive. Life….good, but crazy. Starting a new job, beginning to seriously look for a second one to supplement income, and starting to look for an apartment for the first time ever in my life. Absolute craziness. As I sit here at Hastings, enjoying my day off from bike shop work and enjoying the pizza that I had with my friend Emily, I reflect back on the last couple of weeks and I still feel scared, but optimistic.
On the drive down to Oklahoma, after leaving the wedding of my two good friends Jen and Joel, I was filled with such a sense of expectancy that goes beyond words and brought me to tears. I cannot explain it. The whole weekend was filled with such bittersweetness. I, leaving home, striking out on my own for the first time, and too do a job that has no “real future”, but is something I have so far loved. And also a new start for my very dear friends the Alejandre’s. Jen and Joel both have grown to be some of my closest friends, advisors, and in some cases confidants. To see them married, in such a sweet, tender, and touching way was quite exciting. Though I found that it too brought me back to that bittersweet reality that I was leaving all that I had known.
I truly have left all that I have known. Even with going to college there was some structure and peace because there was a program to follow, and everyone around was in the same boat. There were instant friends and a new roommate to help with that transition. Moving here, I know four people, and going to work at a job that will barely cover my bills…and even that is a stretch of the imagination as I am currently looking for a second job just so I can make ends meet once student loan payments kick in. Makes me wonder why I decided to forgo a ministry position at a church that, while it wouldn’t make me rich, would provide for all my needs.
But even in the midst of such uncertainty, I cling to the ever present rock in my life that is the Triune God. In this time of shifting sand, I cling not just to Jesus, not just to the Father, and not just to the Spirit, but to all three. Three in one. In them is found peace, contentment, and joy. I know without a doubt that God has led me to Norman for reasons not yet revealed. Things that are beyond myself. For me this is most readily seen in my hunting for a new church. I’m not necessarily looking for a place that I like the building, service style, or even the people! But first and foremost I’m looking for a church where I can use my gifts, abilities, and past experience to encourage and edify the body of Christ.
My move to Norman, my job choices, all of it, is not about me. If it was up to me, I’d be working at a church in Colorado Springs, spending my weekends hanging out with my peeps at Eagle Lake Camp. If it were me, I would not be in central Oklahoma enduring humidity, crap pay, and a different brand of loneliness than I have run into in the past. Haha…but I trust in the plans of the One that is beyond my comprehension. I trust in the plans of the friend that has never led me astray. I rest in the arms of the healer that has never hurt me. All glory, praise, and honor is truly due to His name, and to no other. I still hold the sense of expectancy that I felt on the start of my journey. I can’t wait to see what that feeling was all about in its rich fullness.
On the drive down to Oklahoma, after leaving the wedding of my two good friends Jen and Joel, I was filled with such a sense of expectancy that goes beyond words and brought me to tears. I cannot explain it. The whole weekend was filled with such bittersweetness. I, leaving home, striking out on my own for the first time, and too do a job that has no “real future”, but is something I have so far loved. And also a new start for my very dear friends the Alejandre’s. Jen and Joel both have grown to be some of my closest friends, advisors, and in some cases confidants. To see them married, in such a sweet, tender, and touching way was quite exciting. Though I found that it too brought me back to that bittersweet reality that I was leaving all that I had known.
I truly have left all that I have known. Even with going to college there was some structure and peace because there was a program to follow, and everyone around was in the same boat. There were instant friends and a new roommate to help with that transition. Moving here, I know four people, and going to work at a job that will barely cover my bills…and even that is a stretch of the imagination as I am currently looking for a second job just so I can make ends meet once student loan payments kick in. Makes me wonder why I decided to forgo a ministry position at a church that, while it wouldn’t make me rich, would provide for all my needs.
But even in the midst of such uncertainty, I cling to the ever present rock in my life that is the Triune God. In this time of shifting sand, I cling not just to Jesus, not just to the Father, and not just to the Spirit, but to all three. Three in one. In them is found peace, contentment, and joy. I know without a doubt that God has led me to Norman for reasons not yet revealed. Things that are beyond myself. For me this is most readily seen in my hunting for a new church. I’m not necessarily looking for a place that I like the building, service style, or even the people! But first and foremost I’m looking for a church where I can use my gifts, abilities, and past experience to encourage and edify the body of Christ.
My move to Norman, my job choices, all of it, is not about me. If it was up to me, I’d be working at a church in Colorado Springs, spending my weekends hanging out with my peeps at Eagle Lake Camp. If it were me, I would not be in central Oklahoma enduring humidity, crap pay, and a different brand of loneliness than I have run into in the past. Haha…but I trust in the plans of the One that is beyond my comprehension. I trust in the plans of the friend that has never led me astray. I rest in the arms of the healer that has never hurt me. All glory, praise, and honor is truly due to His name, and to no other. I still hold the sense of expectancy that I felt on the start of my journey. I can’t wait to see what that feeling was all about in its rich fullness.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
